Love Me, Before I'm Famous

" I just want to be wonderful.."

  • 23rd February
    2012
  • 23

Breakdown.

So this morning I saw Sarah and when I got back into the car my husband said wow I can’t believe she’s having twins, I stayed silent. And he continued with saying why are you mad? And I said I’m not, it’s just hard. And he went on with, what’s so hard about it? Huh what’s so hard?

I just don’t think he gets it. Maybe men handle things differently and maybe since its been 3 months he’s over it and looks it as an event of the past,
But I don’t. Every time I find out someone is pregnant, it reminds me I’m not.
Every time I see a brand new baby, it makes me think of when will I ever experience it again?
Every time I talk about pregnancy my whole mood changes.

  • 23rd February
    2012
  • 23

Belly envy

So, Sarah is 10 weeks and pregnant with twins, god I’m so happy for her but at the same time, I just want to cry! I want a baby so bad. I just want the baby I lost, I love Noah and I want him to have a baby brother or sister, god. Idk. I’m going to have a drink! I just don’t know how to feel anymore. Both my aunts and Sarah are pregnant, it’s great, and I’m so glad they get to experience the joy but I mean it makes me dread the upcoming events. All the baby bumps, the baby showers, all the presents. Uh all the baby stuff!!! And I know I’m going to be making the diaper cakes.. :( idk I need to get over it and just be happy, but it’s like I am happy but I see what I’m missing everyday.. I just want to wake up in the morning and be pregnant..

  • 21st February
    2012
  • 21
  • 21st February
    2012
  • 21
  • 21st February
    2012
  • 21
  • 21st February
    2012
  • 21
  • 21st February
    2012
  • 21
  • 21st February
    2012
  • 21
  • 21st February
    2012
  • 21
  • 21st February
    2012
  • 21
finally got all my boudoir pictures back! and i gotta say, they made me feel GREAT!

finally got all my boudoir pictures back! and i gotta say, they made me feel GREAT!

  • 9th February
    2012
  • 09
Third of my boudoir pictures, I really am trying to feel better about myself but everytime i look at these photos, I pick out something wrong with me or my body….

Third of my boudoir pictures, I really am trying to feel better about myself but everytime i look at these photos, I pick out something wrong with me or my body….

  • 9th February
    2012
  • 09
  • 2nd February
    2012
  • 02
I’m trying to feel better about how much weight I’ve gained.So, I had some boudoir pictures done, I guess i’ll send the ones that aren’t too racy here as soon as i get them! LOL I’ve gotten one back so far and it’s pretty good. BUT! on another note, my friend, Sarah told me she is pregnant.. Sighh one more person getting what they want. I’m so happy for her because they have been trying for almost 2 years, so i’m trying to take life a step at a time now..  I still want another baby badly, but its not my main focus, school is, only three more months and i’ll be outta college. ;)

I’m trying to feel better about how much weight I’ve gained.So, I had some boudoir pictures done, I guess i’ll send the ones that aren’t too racy here as soon as i get them! LOL I’ve gotten one back so far and it’s pretty good.

BUT! on another note, my friend, Sarah told me she is pregnant.. Sighh one more person getting what they want. I’m so happy for her because they have been trying for almost 2 years, so i’m trying to take life a step at a time now..  I still want another baby badly, but its not my main focus, school is, only three more months and i’ll be outta college. ;)

  • 29th January
    2012
  • 29

Tattoo.

So It’s been decided after a long amount of thinking. I’m heading to the tattoo parlor next week to get it sketched up but i want something like this::

A heart (one side baby blue, the other light pink) Inside i want two footprints (or one) And above i want it to say, ” Troppo bello per questa terra. ” and underneath the footprints i want 11.28.11 

Troppo bello per questa terra means too beautiful for this earth in italian. Coming from one of my favorite quotes about miscarriage. And the date, is the date i miscarried. I’m excited now that it is all coming together..

An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby’s birth,

Then whispered as she closed the book,

“Too beautiful for Earth”

-Unknown


Posted by at 1:51 PM

  • 26th January
    2012
  • 26

breaking down.

Brandon is supposed to be home tomorrow. and thank goodness! I am having such a hard week!.

BUT here’s some news, I got into contact with a boudoir photographer earlier, I am so nervous about it I just keep crying. And no, this isn’t for my husband it’s for me.. Long story short. Before I had Noah I was a size 9,always had been and I was quite happy with myself. Throughout Pregnancy I moved up to a size 12, and honestly I started resenting what I saw in the mirror everyday. Since the miscarriage, I have began to hate my body even more. I am currently a size 18 (in juniors btw. lol) and frankly I disgust myself, Brandon tells me i’m beautiful all the time, but when I look into my mirror, I don’t see beautiful, I see me.. Just me. just Danielle. I’m hoping maybe this shoot will make me feel good about myself again. Or at least get me onto that path.

Today I walked 3 miles and felt great, until i came home to take a shower, when i took my clothes off, I just sat in the shower and cried. My husband took two pictures of me earlier last week and when i looked at them, I didn’t even see myself. I jsut want it all to end..